Celia Lashlie: The World of Boys and Men

Recently, I had the opportunity to listen to Celia Lashlie give a public lecture at ANU entitled The World of Boys and Men. Though I have lived in this world for a while, I thought it would be useful to get an outsider's point-of-view, to be reminded of how my own boys sometimes see things and pick up any insights she might have gained. Unfortunately, I don't have time to give a full account of the talk and so, instead, for those interested in helping to raise successful men, I offer below an unedited copy of my own notes taken.

• 'I get annoyed when ...' puts it on yourself rather than 'You should ...' which puts it on him.
• Boys tend to ignore women's voices because they have heard many negative comments throughout their lives since there were small -- often from others who do not need to pass judgements -- that they aren't okay being who they are. a-la 2 year old misbeaving in public.
• Once they are 12 -- 13 they turn off until ~24.
• Note:
  • women think and talk at the same time, thinking out loud
  • men think and then talk -- note the gap -- and women prefer to fill the gap.
• Often the thinking on the part of men in response to an 'uh oh' question[1] is to pick the words that get him out of trouble.[2]
• Women consider externally and men consider internally. Wait for them to consider! In both cases!
• Boys make 30 second decisions.
• Men have intuition -- just use it differently.
• Take in information from 2 years old -> 12 -- 13 and then process.
• 12 -- 13 slow down; the laziness is wanting to slow the world down and is aware of the end of adolescence, the world is changing.
• Slow down means getting through with "Don't know" or "No" and will wait for a woman to answer her own question.
• Boys know through observation how things are. Example!
• Relationships -- the essence of life -- will keep boys safe.
• In communicating, learn to wait for answers, don't fill the gap nor provide answers or options. Let them think and talk and don't let them off the hook by doing those earlier things. Look directly at them.
• They already know right from wrong so need to prod their intuition -- simply need to remind them without your own emotional insecurities.
• Parents (mothers?) have checklist of things to talk about during adolescence and avoid segueing to it.
• Ask them by stating own views and giving them time to think abou it and then being prepared for their answers.
• Nothing if not pragmatic!
• Pragmatism drives many actions and communications
• They must experience consequences to learn.
• Set the line and let him find it.
• Link action and consequences -- his pragmatic nature will drive the results.

[1] She explained that an 'uh oh' question is typically one of deeper significance that usually has the man mentally responding with an 'uh oh'.
[2] It reminded me of one of my favourite illustrative stories, The Difference Between Men and Women.

Control Room Envy

I know it's something straight out of the 70s but Nuclear Physics Control Room seems so much cooler than the Heliac's.

In this house ...

I'm not much one for interior design -- and the world is generally very grateful -- but when I see something like this I want to have it in my own house[1].

[1] And we'd like to have our own house.

Wedding, Pregnancy and Wait, What??

Just what is the cosmic message this magazine rack is trying to get across?

The Status Quo: June 2011

While there hasn't been anything major of note happening of late there are plenty of day-to-day events that make up our lives and I thought a post about some of them might be informative.

The children have largely resumed their activities, some as before and others trying new things. Joshua is still working on his creative side, making videos, learning guitar and writing jokes. Elijah is playing another season of rugby with his former club and Mara is, surprisingly, dancing ballet again. Ariana has taken up learning tennis on Saturday mornings and Bryna has continued on with her ballet lessons as well. And Micah, well, he is just enjoying himself and hanging out with his siblings who, needless to say, adore him.

We've slowly been reconnecting with old (I won't say former!) friends in Canberra. It's good to see them again and, in some cases, see how much they have grown in the time we have been away. Some, in the case of the children's friends, have grown up and some, in the case of Fenton's friends, have grown out. All of Gaynor's friends remain as fabulous as the day she met them. Since we now have a place and with our belongings having returned from their own adventures we are gradually inviting friends over to reacquaint them with Gaynor's cooking. And because she's picked up all sorts of new recipes and ideas from her travels, the meals are more superb than ever.

You'd think that a move back to your native country would mean that something like a driver's licence would be a simpler process, right? However, if you are Joshua, and have your licence from California, you are generally back in the Awkward Basket for a bureaucrat. So, despite having passed his California's driving test and driving there for a number of months with a few restrictions -- essentially equivalent to a Provisional Licence in Australia -- the Powers That Be decreed firstly, that he would need to start with a Learner's Permit but could count his start date from his Californian licence. Then after we organised that, with it's attendant classes and exams, they said he'd have to be on it for the full six months before he could take his driving test. We wrote a letter pointing out our case -- we were fine for him to do a driving exam since it is the other side of the road and he'd mostly driven automatic transmission equipped cars in the US -- but they stuck by their second assessment. (Why couldn't it have been the first one that we were happy with?) Of course, his case wasn't helped by the fact that the Californian DMV failed to issue anything other than a paper, temporary licence before we left the US. It did, after all, take them 18 months to renew Gaynor's. :\ Anyway, he's eligible to take the test in October.

Finally, as previously mentioned, housing prices in Canberra are even higher than other major cities in Australia. Despite this, Gaynor and I believe now is as good a time as any to take the plunge into home ownership. Mostly this means we would prefer to put our money into our own home and not someone else's pocket and this is the first opportunity that we've realistically been able to do that. We'll be looking for a house we can fit into -- though it may be a bit of a squeeze -- that will require some renovation work. A single income in Canberra doesn't make this an easy proposition but, then again, we've never really been big fans of 'easy' :) So even though we may end up with a dump, at least it will be our dump.