Celia Lashlie: The World of Boys and Men

Recently, I had the opportunity to listen to Celia Lashlie give a public lecture at ANU entitled The World of Boys and Men. Though I have lived in this world for a while, I thought it would be useful to get an outsider's point-of-view, to be reminded of how my own boys sometimes see things and pick up any insights she might have gained. Unfortunately, I don't have time to give a full account of the talk and so, instead, for those interested in helping to raise successful men, I offer below an unedited copy of my own notes taken.

• 'I get annoyed when ...' puts it on yourself rather than 'You should ...' which puts it on him.
• Boys tend to ignore women's voices because they have heard many negative comments throughout their lives since there were small -- often from others who do not need to pass judgements -- that they aren't okay being who they are. a-la 2 year old misbeaving in public.
• Once they are 12 -- 13 they turn off until ~24.
• Note:
  • women think and talk at the same time, thinking out loud
  • men think and then talk -- note the gap -- and women prefer to fill the gap.
• Often the thinking on the part of men in response to an 'uh oh' question[1] is to pick the words that get him out of trouble.[2]
• Women consider externally and men consider internally. Wait for them to consider! In both cases!
• Boys make 30 second decisions.
• Men have intuition -- just use it differently.
• Take in information from 2 years old -> 12 -- 13 and then process.
• 12 -- 13 slow down; the laziness is wanting to slow the world down and is aware of the end of adolescence, the world is changing.
• Slow down means getting through with "Don't know" or "No" and will wait for a woman to answer her own question.
• Boys know through observation how things are. Example!
• Relationships -- the essence of life -- will keep boys safe.
• In communicating, learn to wait for answers, don't fill the gap nor provide answers or options. Let them think and talk and don't let them off the hook by doing those earlier things. Look directly at them.
• They already know right from wrong so need to prod their intuition -- simply need to remind them without your own emotional insecurities.
• Parents (mothers?) have checklist of things to talk about during adolescence and avoid segueing to it.
• Ask them by stating own views and giving them time to think abou it and then being prepared for their answers.
• Nothing if not pragmatic!
• Pragmatism drives many actions and communications
• They must experience consequences to learn.
• Set the line and let him find it.
• Link action and consequences -- his pragmatic nature will drive the results.

[1] She explained that an 'uh oh' question is typically one of deeper significance that usually has the man mentally responding with an 'uh oh'.
[2] It reminded me of one of my favourite illustrative stories, The Difference Between Men and Women.